OK, so I should be flattered. I see a posting for a dream job, meaning; in your dreams! Not only is the thing well written, but the ideal candidate will make Cicero, Leonardo da Vinci, Mark Twain, Ben Franklin, Edward R. Murrow, and Ronald Reagan look like slobs. Now -- this job is billed as “director of public relations” for a rather large company.
So how tempting is it to apply to an outfit seeking a “world-class communications professional”; an “outstanding personal communicator” with “stellar writing capabilities”, a “keen sense of strategic judgment” and “highly evolved analytical skills”, where “crisis communications . . . experience (is) a must”, as is a minimum of 15 years of experience in “corporate, political, campaign, data, and financial communications”, so that the successful candidate can deliver "global communications strategies and plans designed to defend and protect a corporate brand, memorable and impactful CEO speeches, key advice to the CEO and his senior management team, press releases, compelling graphics, videos, press releases, media statements, talk points, 'other visuals', briefs, letters, opinion editorials, by-lined articles, message platforms and 'measurable ROI'".
It goes without saying that on live broadcasts this person is “articulate, confident, poised and engaged”, and he or she will “lead with influence and persuasion” to “capture the trust and respect of the CEO and senior executives” (and I’m guessing, the press), working under “tight deadlines”, “juggling multiple tasks (and) writing projects (as well as) “changing priorities in a fast-paced, high energy and creative environment”. Summed up, this job is all about “translating organizational vision into proactively creating and implementing fully integrated communications campaigns, and strategically building a comprehensive public relations program that supports the development and expansion of the company's global footprint and advancement of the (company’s) global reputation and image”.
Now this struck me as something I just had to apply to.
First of all I just had to meet the people that were behind this two-and-a-half page human RFP.
Second -- and it turns out least of all -- I have all these qualifications. OK, maybe I’m not as telegenic as, say, the Scud Stud, but I can instantly concoct a befuddling slider to a loaded PI from David Faber as well as the next corporate press hack.
I banged out a quick descriptive and solicitous cover letter (after all I need a job), and sent it off on wings of ether to the hiring manager. Quite unexpectedly, I received an email within 36 hours, asking me to be in their offices ASAP the following week. And so I found myself on a bus headed for a comatose town (pop. 5,298) outside of which crouched the anodyne headquarters of a corporation preparing to take command of the world.
There I met the charming woman whose honeyed prose had graced not a few Job Boards just days before. Wow! As I had wanted to meet her, she wanted to meet the guy with the incredible resume.
And, sadly to say, that was about it.
In between coloring some heroics I’d humbly chronicled on my resume, I answered questions about where I grew up and what influenced me. “Oh, that must have been great!” Nonetheless, navigating the minefield of trivia she planted before me, I hit all my marks.
Midway through one of my on-point supplications, she announced she had a “hard stop” and leveled her side arm. “I’m afraid you’re overqualified”. A perfect cue to rise and head for stage right, first turning back to me with a flourish of consideration. “Would you really be happy just writing press releases in a big company with a ton of politics and budget constraints? This company is risk-averse. It’s frustrating for me because no one listens to me, or anyone here for that matter, and Communications just isn’t on the map for these guys”, she confessed. But proudly she told me that she had just triumphed in receiving Royal Approval for spanking new corporate Vision and Mission statements, letting it drop that it took one year to accomplish even with the services of a gigantic branding agency and it was Hell getting there. “Thanks for coming down!” Whoosh she was gone.
On the #66R heading home, I pondered what had just happened. I think I had just been “had”. Maybe this was bait and switch. But to what advantage to her? Or maybe she had no idea that spirits would soar when her vaulting words were encountered. She’ll certainly net the poseur, the ambitious, the arrogant, the severely limited, the incompetent, the delusional, the lost, the desperate, and maybe a couple of people who actually fill the bill. But what is the bill anyway? I suppose it's another case of “I’ll know what the job is when I see the right person”.
Moving target job descriptions are as common in recruiting for Communications people as are non-existent jobs on the Internet. I’ve found that companies want a Communications thing but don’t really know what it does or how it does it, but for some reason they know they need it or maybe the Board has told them to go get one. Recruiters throw around terms like “branding” as if they know what they are talking about. A couple of weeks ago I was called by a recruiter who had been assigned to the public relations beat only two weeks prior. Having made a career of recruiting chemical engineers, someone thought she’d be good at going after professional Communications talent.
Well it’s back to the mill for me. I’m going to “dumb down” my resume. Add some really meaty mediocrity. Build in hints that I can make the visible invisible. The dull duller. The meaningless more meaningless (if that’s possible, I can do it). I was once told by someone in a corporation which I served as head of Communications -- and this was a genuine compliment -- that he’d never known anyone who could write so much so well and say so little. This sort of skill was top priority for the senior executive team at this particular company, so naturally I was paid handsomely for magically taking the company off the radar screen and unleashing a contagion of mass amnesia.
So to Career Builder, HotJobs, ExecuNet, LinkedIn and PRSA, let me once again lift your traffic! And let’s not forget Indeed.
Indeed.
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